Love is all you need

Love was something that I believed in more than life itself.

And then life got in the way.

I've spent time trying to get back to that, trying to believe again.

It's like finding an old friend, and picking right up where we left off. As if time and distance never separated us.

And then it's fighting this old habit to run away again.

If I was someone who had a lot of followers on this blog I would pose a question: what are your opinions on love?

But for tonight, it'll be the Beatles and I, right? Love is all you need.

Small town girl, going to the city world

I just want to go home man.
And this "home" would be my apartment here in NYC. To curl up with my kitten [who is less than three months old, just came home two days ago, and is perfect] and to eat ice cream and watch Friends.

As I was running to my internship today [almost late, of course], I happened to catch my reflection in the mirror and it was surprising what I thought.

I came to this city about six years ago. Six years ago was when I decided I was going to leave the middle of nowhere upstate New York and be better, do something with myself.
I spent my entire high school career doing everything in my power to get out of there. I grew up in a place that is....quiet. And country. And nice to grow up in. We have bonfires, and carnivals, and drive in move theaters. But the people who stay their whole lives, who never leave even for a little bit, are close minded. I couldn't be like that. I had to go.

College was the way I was going to do so. So everything I did in high school: my grades, my extra curricular activities, all of it, was to get scholarship money [so I didn't have to depend on my parents financially] to a place far, far away.
And I did it. I went to my undergraduate university on a full scholarship. And when I was 18, I moved out and into the city.

When I had first made my college decision I kept insisting I wasn't actually going to the city. I didn't want to. I wanted to go to a middle of nowhere school with a campus and life centered there.
In retrospect I don't know how I would have survived anywhere else.

I remember when I was a senior and someone once told me I looked like I belonged in the city. I just shook my head.

Six years later, this place has my soul. I know the MTA, I know places to go, I walk as fast as a New Yorker does. I dress differently than people do at home [not that cowboy boots were ever in my closet anyway], and I've gone places, I've seen things, I've lived.

Imagine if I hadn't moved to the city? It would have been like keep a bird caged when she needed to fly.

Bonnie and Clyde '06

I have this theory....
Well, I have a lot of theories in life.
My favorite one, and the fan favorite, is that every french fry has a soulmate. Go ahead, eat your fries. They all have a perfect match. Another fry that is the same size that you can join together and eat in one delicious duo.
I love french fries.

But my love for french fries is not the focus of this post.

 I have another theory. That everyone has one person, one friend, that they love but can never be with. Just because. Timing, circumstances, it just can't happen. Doesn't mean you won't love them forever.

Let me tell you about Clyde. We met when we were sixteen at a wonderful political academic summer camp. I've loved him since then. That's a long time to love, my friends.

He's engaged now and happy. And I'm spoken for and happy. And I'm happy for him. But you can bet a homecooked meal that if he were to suddenly call me up, profess his love for me, and ask me to marry him, I would drop everything and do it in a heartbeat. He's in the army and I would never ever be a military wife. For him though, in a second.

So we've been friends for a long time. We called each other Bonnie and Clyde. Nicknames from that summer that we met and would cause trouble. I was just thinking about the last time that we saw each other. Walk down memory lane with me...

It was a warm night in October. I was sitting in my townhouse with my roommates when my phone lit up. Clyde's name was on my screen and my heart immediately quickened. I couldn't open that text fast enough. "In the city for the night. If you don't have anything to do you should come join me and my friends.
I can assure you that even I was about to meet the President of the United States, I would have cancelled to see him. I explained to my roommates that I would only be with them for a little while. And then, I was Manhattan bound.
3rd Avenue. That's where he was. At a nice bar with his friends. He bought me my first drink; we caught up. And then it was on to the next one. We just kept going from bar to bar, up and down Third Avenue. It was a Sunday and there was a long weekend and the night was ours.
At one of the bars we were all in a circle talking. His friends were telling stories. I stood a little closer to him and people pushed passed us, just to be as close as I could. Then I heard the sound of glass hitting the floor and Clyde's glass shattered. He laughed.
Minutes later, my glass slipped and broke as well. It was time to go. We ran backwards out of there, Clyde showing his middle finger to the bar patrons as I bowed. It was a show and we were the stars. "Thank you, thank you! Have a good night everyone." And with that, we were back into the city night.
Running across the street, Clyde grabbed my hand and held fast. I almost halted out of surprise and elation, but instead I held tight and kept running.
The last bar we went to that night was dark and 90s themed. JTree. It was also up in Boston apparently. We were sitting on the stools at the bar sipping our cranberry vodkas and he leaned in, held me, and kissed me.
My heart stopped. I could have, at that moment, died happy.....

I stayed in Times Square that night with him and his friends. I remember when he looked at me and told me to stay with him, that I shouldn't go home. I woke up, albeit on the floor, in his arms and happy.

That was the last night I saw him. A year and a half ago. Ironically, his current fiance was there as well.
I honestly don't know the next time I'm going to see him. He lives in the south and he's with the army. I'm in the city and who knows the next time he'll be home. I doubt I'll be invited to the wedding, right?
So maybe its good that the last time I saw him was a dream come true.
There are three nights in my life thus far that I would repeat over and over again in a heartbeat. This one will always have the number one spot.

home is...where the heart is?

Just kidding guys. I'm back.


So here's what happened. I started thinking about how I'm going home this weekend. And then came the endless debative [is that even a word?] issue that I'm having right now: what the heck is home?
Definition


Home [noun]:

1: one's place of residence

     2

: the social unit formed by a family living together

     3: 

a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also :the focus of one's domestic attention 

     4: 

a place of origin; also : one's own country 

So let's think about this. I was born in Queens. Lived in Bayside until I was four years old. Then I moved upstate to the middle of nowhere Duchess County, and that's where I grew up. When I was 18 I moved back down to Queens since I went to undergrad here, and I've been here ever since.

So let's see. Home was upstate. That's where my friends were, that's where my family is. But then we grew older and people moved away after we graduated to get jobs and go to grad school. Now I go home to see my parents, my sister, and my cat. My best friends are still up there, because they moved back and work there. But again, they have lives and jobs and I'll go up there and not even see them sometimes.

I felt that way the last time I went up there, in between classes ended and me starting this internship. This quote describes it precisely, it's from Garden State:

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know."

It makes me sad. Upstate is so different from the city. There's stars and people are a little nicer and drive a little slower and it's nice to just get away for the weekends. There's bonfires and carnivals and drive in movies. It's where my childhood was. I get fed there and my bedroom is there. I was there for a long time. Now its a ghostly place that I know all the roads to, it feels like. Even my parents got an apartment in Westchester so their commute to work wouldn't be so bad and are just keeping the house for weekends and summers. Soon enough I might not even have the house I grew up in anymore.

So by default if I lost that, then New York City would be my new home, right? This city that has my soul.

But I'm not sure if that's the case either. Maybe its because I've moved every year since I was 18. From one college housing place to the next. One apartment and then another. A school year ends, a lease ends, time to move. I have no permanent place. I get used to living somewhere and then it's like I have to leave. I was in undergrad for four years and that campus, that place was home. But then once you graduate you're gone. 

Now I'm here when I feel with all of my being that I should've gone to California. And I have to constantly remind myself why I love this city. And the people I went to undergrad with also have real lives and jobs and we're just all growing up.

Everyone talks about home.

Home is where the heart is

Home is wherever I'm with you

Home is the sweetest word there is

Home is a feeling....

I guess I don't have that feeling. I just feel displaced. 

TGIF

For the very few people that read this, welcome to the end of our first week together. Thank GOD its Friday.

Half day today so this'll be short and sweet.

It's raining in this great city. Very bleh. Matches my mood.

Law school grades are supposed to come in and they haven't yet. Did I mention I'm probably not going back to school in the fall? Oops. Well there you go. But you all can say you knew me when I was a law student. Lucky ducklings.

I'm going upstate this weekend to go home, and will have to fully depend on the MTA when I get back because I'm leaving my car behind. Glorious.

I also might get a cat. I just need somebody to love. [Beatles reference. We knew that was coming.]

Stay dry. 

America runs on Dunkin

Finals 

San Diego:

A familiar smell wafted past her nose and she paused on her walk.

Coffee. It was coffee. She hadn't had coffee since she had landed in California five months ago. In New York she was always moving and would drink mocha frappucinos constantly. Instant coffee during finals as she bargained with her body on how much sleep she could forfeit. 

Now it was finals and she was still feeling like she had energy at the end of the day. It was all so different....

"Anna!"

Anna turned at the sound of her name. It was Lee Ann, a few steps behind her. Anna slowed down they could walk together to campus. They had their second final tomorrow and had been spending every second that they weren't in class in the books. Even on the weekends. It was Sunday.

"Water this morning?"

Anna nodded. She had taken up surfing right when she moved here. The first time she had gone to San Diego, when she first saw the university and fell in love with it, the taxi driver who drove her and her friend back to the airport had told her how waking up early in this state was never hard. He would drive all night, then go straight to the waves. She had determined, right there and then, as her heart was breaking from leaving California, that she would do the same. 

Now she, who had never awoken before 11 or noon unless she had to, was up at 7 or 8 every morning to surf. She still wasn't good, but there was something cathartic about being with the ocean so early.

Anna's thoughts were ripped back to the present as campus loomed ahead. At the corner was a smoothie spot where her and Lee Ann got tropical fruit smoothies before the trek upwards to the library. Smoothies in December. That would ever have worked in New York.....

Reality:

BERRRR BERRR BERRRR

The sound of the iPhone alarm ripped Anna awake from a dream that she wasn't even having. Her body hurt and she looked at the time. 8am. It was Sunday. Why did she have to be awake right now? It was so cold and her bed was so warm....

Oh, right. Finals. She rolled out of bed and stomped to the bathroom to get ready. Half an hour later, she was on the train headed to school. So tired. When was the last time she had slept? It felt like months ago. She grabbed an iced coffee on her way into school. The second the sweet liquid touched her lips her eyes opened past slits and she was able to shake her head, dusting some of the drowsiness off. She had two three this semester.

She walked into school. It was eerily silent, and everywhere she looked people were bent over books. Even as she walked, she flipped through the index cards she had on her phone. 

Equal protection clause: No person shall be the denied the right....

The words kept repeating as a mantra in her head. So much so that she barely noticed when JP sat down next to her in the conference room and opened his book.

The conference room look inhabited. There was a bowl of candy in the middle and someone had left a blanket in the corner. At this point, she was going home only to shower and sleep, and barely sleep at that rate. Being in this building made her insides want to scream, and she couldn't think of anything except the law.

JP tapped her shoulder and she nodded as they stood and began to walked around the room. He started.

"Fourteenth Amendment"

She responded rapid fire. 

"...Nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction equal protection under the law."
He repeated what she had just chanted, and they continued.

Welcome all ye who have entered

Who am I, an old Englishman? Look at that title. I'm so uncreative.

This is undoubtedly going to be a very long summer.


I'm a law intern somewhere in the New York City among the thousands of law students who are interning in the Big Apple. The great thing about being an intern is that I don't get paid.
I hope y'all got that sarcasm. If so, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I also have the attention span of a goldfish. Snapple facts tell me that that's about 3 seconds. It seems accurate here.
I'm interning at a place where there isn't much interactive stuff going on, so in order to keep my...focus, I decided to start a blog. I always wanted to be a writer, back when I thought I could do anything. And it's better than bidding for things on eBay, which I was starting to do. And I'm broke so....that would be a slippery slope, according to my Constitutional Law professor. [This is why I hate law school, because it takes over your life. Including, but not limited to, the way you think.]


Speaking of law school, I just finished my first year and it was terrible. Actually the worst. Come this time last year, I had already committed to law school and had gotten an acceptance letter from my dream school in California. I took it, flew to the west coast, and now live happily ever after.
Obviously not.
My heart's in California, my soul belongs to this city. Hence the split life thoughts, because every once in awhile I'll probably be writing about what life would have been like if I had made what I believe is the better decision. And by that I mean all the time. I usually live by the theory of No fear, no regrets, but let me tell you, I regret not going to California pretty much every day. If I could go back in time, I would shake the spit out of myself and tell myself to pack my bags and book that flight. Regret is the heaviest of the feelings, unfortunately.

On that bright and cheery note, I'm going to end this post and get some work done before lunch.